Woody Allen

Heywood "Woody" Allen (born Allan Stewart Konigsberg, December 1, 1935) is an American actor, comedian, filmmaker, and playwright, whose career spans more than six decades. He worked as a comedy writer in the 1950s, writing jokes and scripts for television and publishing several books of short humor pieces. In the early 1960s, Allen began performing as a stand-up comedian, emphasizing monologues rather than traditional jokes. As a comedian, he developed the persona of an insecure, intellectual, fretful nebbish, which he maintains is quite different from his real-life personality. In 2004, Comedy Central ranked Allen in fourth place on a list of the 100 greatest stand-up comedians, while a UK survey ranked Allen as the third greatest comedian. By the mid-1960s Allen was writing and directing films, first specializing in slapstick comedies before moving into dramatic material influenced... More


Woody Allen Quotes

Woody Allen #Death

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .
Woody Allen #Art

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Woody Allen #Car

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
Woody Allen #Death #Funny

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen #Death

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Woody Allen #Death #Hope #Marriage

Marriage is the death of hope.
Woody Allen #Death #Experience

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
Woody Allen #Education

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
Woody Allen #Experience #Good #Love

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
Woody Allen #Failure

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
Woody Allen #Food

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
Woody Allen #Food

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
Woody Allen #Funny

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Woody Allen #Funny

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen #Funny

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Woody Allen #Funny

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
Woody Allen #God

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen #God #Nature

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Woody Allen #God

To you I'm an atheist to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Woody Allen #God

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
Woody Allen #Good

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Woody Allen #Good

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Woody Allen #Government

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
Woody Allen #Home #Marriage

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Woody Allen #Life #Success

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.