Steven Wright

Photo of Steven Wright
Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American comedian, actor, writer, and an Oscar-winning film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical, and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations. Wright was ranked as the twenty-third greatest comedian by Comedy Central in a list of the 100 greatest stand-up comics. He was awarded the Academy Award for Best Live Action Short Film for his 1988 short film The Appointments of Dennis Jennings.

Wikipedia

Steven Wright Quotes

Steven Wright #Age

Photo of Steven Wright How young can you die of old age?
Steven Wright #Birthday

Photo of Steven Wright For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Steven Wright #Car

Photo of Steven Wright I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright #Car

Photo of Steven Wright I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright #Car

Photo of Steven Wright I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Steven Wright #Car #Home

Photo of Steven Wright I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
Steven Wright #Car

Photo of Steven Wright I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
Steven Wright #Car

Photo of Steven Wright I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright #Funny #Great

Photo of Steven Wright Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright #Funny

Photo of Steven Wright A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright #Funny #Good

Photo of Steven Wright I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright #Funny

Photo of Steven Wright I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Steven Wright #Funny

Photo of Steven Wright What's another word for Thesaurus?
Steven Wright #Funny

Photo of Steven Wright I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright #Future

Photo of Steven Wright I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright #God

Photo of Steven Wright If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Steven Wright #Time

Photo of Steven Wright I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright #Time

Photo of Steven Wright I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Steven Wright #Humor #Time

Photo of Steven Wright Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright #Legal

Photo of Steven Wright I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright #Money

Photo of Steven Wright I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
Steven Wright #Pet

Photo of Steven Wright I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Steven Wright #Pet

Photo of Steven Wright My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Steven Wright #Poetry

Photo of Steven Wright I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Steven Wright #Power

Photo of Steven Wright There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.