Mitch Hedberg

Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005) was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery. His comedy typically featured short, sometimes one-line jokes mixed with absurd elements and non sequiturs. Hedberg's comedy and onstage persona gained him a cult following, with audience members sometimes shouting out the punchlines to his jokes before he could finish them.

Wikipedia

Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Mitch Hedberg #Amazing #Funny

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
Mitch Hedberg #Car

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Mitch Hedberg #Cool

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
Mitch Hedberg #Good #Work

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
Mitch Hedberg #Dating

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg #Dreams

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
Mitch Hedberg #Food

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
Mitch Hedberg #Funny

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg #Funny

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
Mitch Hedberg #Funny

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg #Funny

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg #Funny

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
Mitch Hedberg #Funny

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
Mitch Hedberg #Good #Time

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
Mitch Hedberg #Good

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
Mitch Hedberg #Great

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Mitch Hedberg #Time

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
Mitch Hedberg #Life #Women

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
Mitch Hedberg #Love

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
Mitch Hedberg #Time

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Mitch Hedberg #Work

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
Mitch Hedberg #Birthday

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
Mitch Hedberg #Business

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Mitch Hedberg #Good

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg #Morning

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.